One thing my mom taught me as a kid that served me well over the years into adulthood is that you don't have to believe everything you think. It seems obvious, but it can be surprising how we assume our thoughts are always true. In fact, we don't often consider that we are having the thoughts at all; they are just there. Do you even recognize that you can be hard on yourself? Do you notice when you give yourself less grace and understanding than you do to other people? Think of someone you care deeply about. Are you kinder to them than you are to yourself?
The first step is noticing and naming.
"Oh, hey there, unhelpful thought. I see you. Where did you come from? Are you even true? Are you helpful right now?"
I am trying to cut the thick plastic off an area rug I bought on Amazon with a pair of dull kitchen scissors. The scissors slip and scrape my finger; no harm, no foul, but my thoughts have something to say about it. "Ugh, you're an idiot! Why can't you do anything right?"
When I was typing that paragraph above, instead of the word foul, like a foul ball, I typed fowl, like a chicken. When autocorrect kindly corrected me away from "no harm, no poultry," I instantly thought, "OMG, I am so stupid." (and this is what poultry has to do with self-compassion)
Of course, I am neither stupid nor an idiot. I have plenty of evidence to the contrary. So, when these thoughts come, I notice that I am doing it, laugh them off, and remind myself I am an intelligent and capable human being who sometimes makes poor choices of cutting tools or grammatical errors. I'm not perfect; I have room to improve in many areas of my life, yet there is no need to call myself unhelpful names. It doesn't help or change the current situation and only serves to undermine myself.
The more you notice it, the better you can catch it and turn it around.
You might be surprised at how many unhelpful thoughts you bombard yourself with daily. Take a step back and notice.
no harm, no…what?
TAKE ACTION: Notice and Name
For the next couple of days, try this experiment. Every time you have an unhelpful thought:
Notice—awareness is the first step. "Oh, hi. I see you."
Name—"Hey, that's not helpful or providing any needed insight."
Question—Is there evidence to the contrary? Or can I think of this differently? " I'm not stupid; I am just typing fast. I do plenty of things right; next time I need to cut thick plastic, I need to use the correct tool or ask to use my husband's knife instead."
Once you learn to clear your head of those unhelpful thoughts, you'll be surprised at how much better you approach obstacles and will be better able to focus on your goals. Negative thoughts cloud your path.
Why does it matter?
How helpful are you to someone you don't like? Seriously. Most people don't go out of their way to be kind, compassionate, helpful, or understanding to people they don't like. So, if you spend half the day (or more) calling yourself unhelpful names, how much care and compassion are you giving yourself? Are you helping yourself grow and improve by slinging insults? Most likely not.
Shame is rarely a motivator. If it worked, wouldn't it have worked by now? (For all of us!) You can't shame yourself into better behavior.
If shame doesn't work, what does? It may be self-compassion. What if you weren't so hard on yourself?
What is self-compassion?
Self-compassion is being kind to yourself. It means compassionately understanding and accepting your current situation, limitations, abilities, and circumstances instead of harshly judging yourself with self-critical thoughts or actions.
It's not 'do whatever feels good' either. Drowning your sorrows in alcohol, binging on junk food, or even over-exercising is not self-compassion. Excess pleasure-seeking or self-destructive activities don't care for your well-being. They may make you feel good in the moment, but they are not being kind to your future self. Self-compassionate behaviors look to the future and do what is good for your present and future selves.
Self-compassion is being honest about your faults or weaknesses, intending to improve or do better. It's acting well for the body, mind, and soul.
What did you accomplish if you missed a workout and spent half the day feeling shame and guilt about it? Now, you missed a workout, and you feel bad about it. If you miss a workout and you just let it go, now you missed a workout and know you'll be ready for next time. You may plan for next time to overcome whatever obstacle caused you to miss it. In which scenario are you most likely to stay consistent?
Pop quiz: CHOOSE WHICH OF THE BELOW ARE self-compassionate or self-destructive behaviors:
wine with a friend
a Netflix marathon
to sleep in instead of working out
to work out instead of sleeping in
to take a rest day
to take a week off of exercise
eating a cheeseburger or ice cream
having a salad for lunch
Trick question. Any of the above could be self-compassionate OR self-destructive behaviors. It depends on the context of your life, what you need mentally and physically, and what you've been doing.
Sometimes, it's self-compassion to sleep in when your body needs it. Sometimes, it's self-compassion to prioritize your health and get a workout in before your day starts. Anything taken to the extreme, even behaviors that seem healthy on the surface, can be self-destructive or self-sabotaging.
How could having a salad for lunch be self-destructive? If you are drastically underfueling and not providing your body the nourishment it needs to look, feel, and perform its best!
Can you have too much self-compassion?
I say no. When you consider the true definition of self-compassion, it is good for the body, mind, and soul in the present and the future. You can never have too much of that.
Consider if you are behaving in self-compassionate ways that will set you up for future success. Do you speak kindly to and about yourself? It all begins with your mindset.
You will go far when you discover that you don't have to beat yourself into submission, and it is a smoother ride when you're kind!
Just so you are aware, when I opened this blank page to start typing this blog post, I had a completely different topic in mind, but this one came out instead. I believe this happens when there is something inside of me that someone out there needs to read. Is it you? Are you being kind to yourself? If this helped you in any small way, I’d love to hear about it.
Have you subscribed to my blog yet? If not, no harm, no fowl (lol), you can do it now!
Lea
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Questions? I’d love to help.
